Fuck the Big Three
2008.11.19 (Wed) 13:32

Why...

...the fuck...

...should we even be considering...

...bailing out the "Big Three" US automakers?

It's bad enough that we had to bail out the entire financial industry, but, in fairness, the argument there was a little more compelling. That debacle, brought to us by the fine folks who, well, bring us debacles, impacted every citizen in this country, and in many cases, we had no real alternatives. We can also see the case for bailing out airlines — yes, it's a bit of a pain, and the rank incompetence of the air travel corporations is growing beyond atrocious, but we do see the public, national interest in maintaining easy access to domestic air travel (the asshats at the TSA notwithstanding).

But domestic auto makers? Fuck 'em. There are plenty of non-domestic alternatives. Just look around next time you drive, and we're sure you'll see tons of them on the road. The US manufacturers have been rolling out Pieces of Shit for decades. It isn't the economic downturn that struck their death blow (though it certainly hit them about the head and neck with a sock full of quarters), it's their simple inability to compete in a global market. These bloated behemoths were all too happy rolling out environmentally bulimic trucks and SUVs while things were good — when the only people asking for better fuel economy are all penniless hippies, why should commercial capitalism give a shit what they buy?

But now that the price of fuel has gone up and the economy has gone down, these fuckers have suddenly seen the light? It took a look at the bottom line, as the desire for better fuel economy spread like a green fungus across nearly every possible demographic, for them to finally decide that they need to retool and invest in more fuel efficient cars?

Fuck 'em — they knew it was coming years ago, and they did nothing. They knew the gravy train was truly over just a few years back, and they continued to manufacture cars that no one wanted to buy. So let 'em die.

Oh, but what about the 300,000 people they employ? Gee, folks — Walmart employs over one million people. If the plight of the economy hits the bulk retailers, should we bail them out as well? Because their collapse would put four to eight times as many Americans out of work as would the collapse of all three big US auto makers put together.

And we don't want to hear that one in twelve US jobs relies on these three companies. If you want to make that claim, Big Three, then you'll need to show your work, because we call bullshit. And before you try throwing in a few variables on which we'll also call bullshit, remember that a professional mechanic, with a quick refresher, can work on Hondas as easily as F-150s — so that doesn't count.

So we're waiting to hear: what exactly is the overwhelmingly compelling downside of these three companies going under?

Sure, it would be another kick in the shriveled nuts to our feebly stumbling economy, but compared to what we've already been through, it would be a drop in the bucket. And we have plenty of other cars to buy (fuck, we've been buying them for years already), which wouldn't devastate our economy any more than it is already devastated.

Here's an easy question: You know what isn't good for the economy? Repeatedly propping up a failing industry in which we cannot compete in a global market. What we're doing, basically, is using taxpayer money to buy into a business model that just isn't working. Further, the auto makers have shown us no compelling reasons why their business models — whatever they are — will start working at any time in the near future. Why should we perpetuate this farce? Don't get us wrong, it wouldn't be any kind of instant economic curative if we didn't throw our money at this problem, but in our opinion, it just isn't worth it to bail out these asshats again and again when they've shown that they have no ability to upgrade or revise (or, in an ideal world, change) their business models to compete with the rest of the world.

Just over a month ago, we bailed out the auto makers with $25 billion in loans aimed at making more fuel-efficient cars to be issued in 2009. Now the auto makers are looking for that same amount of money...but this time, those clever fuckholes would like a "no strings" handout.

How about: no. How about: more fuel efficient cars are the only things that we, as taxpayers, have a vested national interest in providing incentives for (financial or otherwise). How about: if that's not what you want to use the money for, then you don't fucking get any.

Here's a fucking thought: there are other ways to get a capital infusion if you need one. How about selling assets? Or phasing out some advertising spending? (Because these days, of course, everybody buys automobiles because of the grinning celebrity behind the wheel of a sedan on TV or on a billboard. Right, morons?) Of course, if you're in real trouble, you could always declare bankruptcy — it doesn't necessarily mean the end of the world, or the company (at least, it doesn't have to in every case). Have the Big Three tried investigating any of these avenues before looking for a handout? Fuck, no!

Without even looking, we can virtually guarantee that there are assets that could be sold (corporate jets, anyone?). And the last time we watched television, we're pretty sure we fast-forwarded past at least a dozen commercials for domestic cars. (Hey, Chevy? You guys are the carriers of the "Importitis" virus, so shut the fuck up.) Hell, you could always drop some of your fabulously expensive Nascar sponsorships before asking for our fucking taxpayer money, dickholes. Is that fourteen drivers there on Team Chevy's site alone?

And yes, we know that you don't want to do any of those things. But guess what? We don't want to bail your sorry asses out again! You know the saying that tough times call for tough measures? That means tough measures by you, not us.

You know, maybe after these three lumbering prehistoric giants are gone, some of the barriers that block start-up auto companies from entering the market will be removed. Maybe we'll get some true innovation again, a reinvention of the industry on the level of Ford's assembly line. Maybe we'll see a manufacturing company that doesn't rely on inefficient, overpriced union labor, and incompetent, short-sighted management, and maybe we'll once again have a shot at a place of prominence in the auto making industry, if that means anything. But writing a blank fucking check to these three fucks, so they can live high for another few months or years while refusing to cash the one check they need — a reality check — isn't going to get us anywhere.

So, hey: Big Three! Tighten your fucking belts, and try to finally change your business models so that you can fucking compete with the foreign auto makers. If it's finally, truly too late, and you can't do that, then shut up and die. We don't need your sorry asses, and we sure as shit don't need to fund them.

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